Now that it is October, it seems that things are finally beginning to change, and the chaos of the summer has finally ended.  The last two months has probably been one of the most stressful times in my life.  In mid-August, I began taking my qualifications exams for my Ph.D. qualification exams in history. The exams include three written exams and then an oral exam. The qualification exams consist of literature from three historical fields – United States history since 1865, environmental history, gender and women’s history and digital history. Studying for these exam was an isolating experience.  No one else has your exact reading list or fieldset. By the time I began the actual exams, I had read over 400 books and articles, and my mind was combination of other people’s voices and ideas and mush. In process of taking each exam, I found it more and more difficult to explain and interpret the information I had read in my voice and thoughts.

I passed. I am officially ABD and in my residency as a candidate for a Ph.D. After that last exam – the oral exam – I broke down mentally and found functioning physically even harder. My mind was in such a bad place; I had to seek professional help, which I fully admitted, too, although it was hard. While I should have spent September celebrating a huge accomplishment, it was instead spent trying to tending to my mind.

Healing ones’ mind is not easy. In the process of becoming better mentally, you come to the realization all the things you need to do to care for yourself.  The most important of these is that you have to take time for yourself.  In the process of studying for quals, I gave up almost everything that gave me joy and helped me to relax, but I did not realize this until I was laying in a hospital bed. From mid-September to mid-August all I did was study and select household responsibilities.  In the process of healing, I have changed that. I am slowly getting back to the things I enjoy.

I started this blog when I losing my first husband. Blogging was a way that I could not only record what was going on in my life, but it became an outlet where I could discuss thoughts and feelings, record the things I was doing and share my journey.  Additionally, I found writing very therapeutic (writing not editing).  I am a strong believer that through writing about you and your thoughts and experiences, you become more mindful of who are as a person.

As I continue the journey of finishing my Ph.D. and writing my dissertation, I think blogging is a going to be part of the process. For through the process of writing my dissertation, I am going to be thinking and discovering who I am not only as professional historian but as person as well.