Part of the purpose of starting this blog was to document my journey on this thing called life.  What I found over the last several months is that life often gets in the way and I do have time compile the post I would like.  However, when I labeled my blog Finding Amy, I did that because I want to reconnect with myself.  In the years after college I got disconnected with who I really was. Through a series of unfortunate events I realized that I was unhappy with the person I had become.   Since then I gotten back in touch with who I am and now know what I want out of life and most importantly, I am happy.    

What I want out of life is simple … I want to be happy and live life to the fullest.  I want to be surrounded by good, honest, hard working people.   I also want to be able to contribute to society by making it a better place for others.  

Over the last year (and longer) I have been living my life to fullest.  I am doing the things that make me happy – photography, running (working out), traveling, learning, cooking, and spending time with friends and family.   During this time I have been very lucky to meet a pretty awesome guy who has become my-everything and makes me happy like no one ever has. Best of all I have someone to share life with, which makes me happy.  

The one part of my life which I still  trying to flush out is my career.  While I enjoy working in archives and I am passionate about the archives, I am not sure if it completely satisfies me.  I think this is largely because the career field itself does not challenge me and there is little creativity.  For the past ten years it has been a “fun” career and I think that fun factor might no longer be enough for me.   I also believe that over the past ten years I have changed, matured, expanded my knowledge base and overall grown as a person.  Thinking back I might have leaped in head first at the beginning and now I am starting to feel burned out.  With all that said I am very thankful that I have an awesome job and I enjoy what I do, but I am beginning to question is it enough for me or is there something that could make me happier and that I would enjoy even more.  

The other day my mom made a comment to me … you should have went into design work, you always do such a good with those things, regardless if it is in yard, on the computer or just around the house.  I found that comment strange because that was always an interest of mine.  The favorite part of my current job is doing the digitization work … photography of artifacts, editing the photos, metadata and creating the databases.  Thinking back to my college career, after I decided that the medical / biology field was not for me I almost went the way of communication / graphic design but the idea of working in a museum drew me to majoring in history.  I actually never considered a career in archives until I did my internship in 2003 and discovered my natural aptitude for processing and indexing. I think the other part is that I never could find someone to mentor me in the communication/design field where as with the history/archives field I seemed to fit right in and found several great mentors.  The question in my head is, is this a case of “is the grass greener on the other side” or I am actually suited for a different career path?  Would a different career path make me even happier?   Do I just need to take a step back and regroup?  

Thinking about how my life has change I have to admit that my life is very good and I am thankful for all of my accomplishments and for what I have.  I have a loving family, a very special and caring person in my life, a good job, awesome friends, and I get to do things that make me happy.   I have a lot to be thankful for.  

Thus after reflecting I think it is time to step back and regroup …

Today marks a week since I started the training program for the half-marathon. 

This past week I did not do so well with training…  I was worn out and battling allergies.  I did better at getting the things I need together for running.  I got a water belt and a holder for my iPhone.  I also found some new running shorts (that fit).  

Today also marks the start of a break from the trainer (at the gym), for about two weeks.  This is mainly due to our schedules conflicting but I think it will be a good test for me.  He has provided me with a weight-training schedule, so I got to do is go to the gym and follow it.  I am hoping that this break will allow me to see how I can marry a running schedule with a weight-training schedule.

My goal for this week is to just train.  I have a lot going on for the next couple of weeks, so my challenge is going to be to find balance.

 

Meet the newest addition to our little family … Sophie.

Monday night I was cooking dinner and in walks Allyn cuddling a little kitten with a big smile on his face … the next thing you knew she was ours.  She is a playful bundle of fur and very good kitten.

I recently finished reading the book “Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead/” by Sheryl Sandberg. I was compelled to read to this book for two reasons. First, because it was written by Sheryl Sandberg, who is the COO of Facebook and I have often found Sheryl’s work interesting. Additionally, I read the book out of self- interest; I am always looking to improve professionally and was curious what Sandberg had to say.

The basic point of Sandberg’s book is that the workplace is still full of many gender biases, excuses and justification that will not women anywhere. To get to a professionally equal place as men, women must “lean in” and give it your all; meaning do not doubt your abilities to juggle a professional life and family life. By leaning in professionally, you show that you can handle various situations and you succeed professionally which puts you in a better position to ask for what you need and the ability to makes changes that could benefit others.

The book is easy to read. Sandberg comes across as compassionate funny, honest and likable; not a self absorbed money hunger leader that many might think she is. Through her own experiences, she relays in encouraging terms the message “what would do if you weren’t afraid” – which addresses the issue of self doubt that holds some many people back. Most important, Sandberg is willing to draw the curtain aside on her own insecurities. She describes the many times in her career when she was deeply unsure of herself, and the uncertainty that has never entirely gone away:

“I still face situations that I fear are beyond my capabilities. I still have days when I feel like a fraud. And I still sometimes find myself spoken over and discounted while men sitting next to me are not. But now I know how to take a deep breath and keep my hand up. I have learned to sit at the table.”

I did a lot of self reflecting while reading the book. I could see how far I have come since entering the career field and I also see that there is room for growth. In my current position I find myself sitting at the table and leaning in for the things I want. This has taken years of courage. I often find myself taking a deep breath and speaking up or out, depending on the situation.

Sandberg suggest finding a life partner as a key to successfulness. A partner to her is someone that complements and supports you as you lean in. This is a point I can really relate to her on. Like Sandberg, I married someone I met in college because it was what I thought I was supposed to do. Like her my marriage mine didn’t work, albeit for other reasons, I could see that when it came down to it I did not have a partner. During those years I found it hard to lean in because I constantly worried about how a decision I would make work would affect the relationship. Today, I have partner that does believe me and supports me in finding the home – office balance. While sometimes bluntly, he reminds me that I have to be one to speak up and lay down the law. I find it easier to lean in when I know that leaning in will not cause my personal life to come crumbling in.

Overall, I would say “Lean In” is a quick and easy read. It’s not ground breaking but it put gets out message that many people, regardless of their gender, need to hear.

Tuesday was hectic day for me, one that tested me on levels.  I accepted and moved new items into the collection, dealt with people who had little to no common sense, celebrated a friend’s birthday, appraised historic maps, attended a lecture by former congressman, was relieved when I got the news that my great-uncle was in a better frame of mind despite his medical issues and cried when learning about the passing of an acquaintance’s grandfather.    

At the end of the day I was exhausted, when I finally got home for the day it was going on 9 pm, typically I would have changed and went to gym for a run and workout, but I didn’t.  For the first time, in a long time I didn’t run, I didn’t cross train, I didn’t weight train … I just relaxed. I snuggled on the couch with Allyn and watch the television.   Needless to say my 18 day running streak of running 5 plus miles a day came to an end and in the end it was okay.

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One of the many pleasures of my position is that I am often invited to public events and lectures.  When one of my colleagues could not attend a lecture and donation of the Papers of the former Congressman Charles A. Gonzalez at UTSA, I gladly stepped in and attended.  Congressman Charles “Charlie” Gonzalez began his congressional career in 1999, just as I was graduating high school, I remember visiting his office during my first trip to DC.   His father was legendary Congressman Henry B. Gonzalez, who is best known for setting the filibuster record in the Chamber at the time by speaking for twenty-two straight hours against a set of bills on segregation. Charlie’s talk was an insightful view of what it was like to serve in Congress.  His talk was stimulating and showed that regardless what party you belong to you can always learn from someone.  When he was speaking of filibusters … he said that one of the questions he never asked his father and that he wished he had, was how did you do it … how did you talk for that long with a break (restroom).  

 

Congressman Gonzalez’s congressional papers, which were donated to UTSA, help to document important chapters in the histories of San Antonio, Texas, congressional policy making and Latino politics. They will provide researchers in multiple disciples with irreplaceable information about the evolving relationship between the people of San Antonio and their government. 

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Last night I read a lovely blog post made by an acquaintance about the passing of her grandfather.  It brought back to many memories on the passing of my grandfather.   You are never ready to let go of those you love dearly.  I could relate to her experience … earlier in the evening, her and young daughter had visited her grandfather; he laughed and was assumed by her young toddler.  Within an hour of returning home and putting her toddler to bed, she received a phone that her grandfather went into cardiac arrest and did not survive.   Her biggest regret of the evening was that she did not tell her grandfather that she loved him.   Her story brought back so many memories of my grandfather’s passing.  Like her my biggest regret was not telling my grandfather that I loved him.   I remember talking to him a day or two before and he was excited about my upcoming visit home.  He called me “shorty” and I called him “baldie” we joked and laughed like we normally did but I didn’t tell him I loved him.  I tried cried when read the story and I could hear my grandfather voice coming through … calling me “shorty” of course.   It reminded me that regardless how busy my life gets there is always time to tell the people who I hold the dearest that “I love” them. 

Cheesecake has always been one of my favorite things to bake.  I can’t say I am a huge cheesecake when it comes to eating it, but I enjoy baking it.   After all these years, I finally came across someone who loves cheesecake … Allyn.  The man can practically live off the stuff.

For Valentines Day, I made him a cheesecake… I was not sure what else to do for him, so part of his gift was a homemade cheesecake.  He loved it.   Over the past couple of weeks,  I have made a few others … two for the office and one for Easter.  I think with each try, they get better.

The recipe I use is from Baking Illustrated.   Baking Illustrated is one of my favorite cookbooks.  Not only does it give you practical recipes, but it gives background and practical advice on how to prepare the dish.

New York Cheesecake

Crust:

5 tbsp unsalted butter; plus an additional 2 tbsp to grease the pan

8 oz graham crackers, crushed into even crumbs

1 tbsp sugar

Cheesecake:

3 lb.  (6 8-oz. pkgs.) cream cheese, cut into rough 1-inch chunks at room temperature (I found it best if the cream cheese is left out at least 4 hours)

1/8 tsp. salt

1 1/2 cups sugar

1/3 cup sour cream

2 tsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice

2 tsp. vanilla extract

2 large egg yolks plus 6 large eggs, at room temperature

Directions:

To make the crust, adjust an oven rack to the lower-middle position and heat the oven to 325 degrees.  Brush the bottom and sides of a 9-inch springform pan with 1/2 tablespoon of the melted butter.  In a medium bowl, combine the graham cracker crumbs, 5 tablespoons melted butter and sugar.  Toss with a fork until the crumbs are evenly moistened.  Transfer the crumbs to the springform pan and use the bottom of a ramekin or a fork to firmly press the crumbs evenly into the pan bottom.  Bake until fragrant and beginning to brown around the edges, about 13 minutes.  Cool on a wire rack while preparing the filling.

Increase the oven temperature to 500 degrees.  In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat the cream cheese at medium-low speed to break up and soften it slightly, about 1 minute.  Scrape the beater and the bottom and sides of the bowl well with a rubber spatula; add the salt and about half of the sugar and beat at medium-low speed until combined, about 1 minute.  Scrape the bowl; beat in the remaining sugar until combined, about 1 minute.  Scrape the bowl; add the sour cream, lemon juice, and vanilla.  Beat at low speed until combined, about 1 minute.  Scrape the bowl; add the egg yolks and beat at medium-low speed until thoroughly combined about 1 minute.  Scrape the bowl; add the remaining eggs 2 at a time, beating until thoroughly combined, about 1 minute, scraping the bowl between additions.

Brush the sides of the springform pan with the remaining 1/2 tablespoon melted butter.  Set the pan on a rimmed baking sheet to catch any spills in case the pan leaks.  Pour the filling into the cooled crust and bake 10 minutes; without opening the oven door, reduce the oven temperature to 200 degrees and continue to bake until the cheesecake reads about 150 degrees on an instant-read thermometer inserted in the center, about 1 1/2 hours.  Transfer the cake to a wire rack and cool until barely warm, 2 1/2 to 3 hours.  Run a paring knife between the cake and the springform pan sides.  Wrap tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate until cold, at least 3 hours.

I have a lot of things going in my life right now and sometimes I find it hard to have the correct balance of things. For example, today I need to do things around the house, go to the gym, do the grocery shopping, make sure laundry is done, work on the book, and make sure things everything is ready for the coming week.  Just thinking about how I am accomplish everything makes me exhausted. 

I try to take it all day by day and work my hardest to fit it all in and still have a happy medium with social life and relaxing.  I sometimes try to fit too much in and beat myself up over it.  I cannot lie fitting it all in for me is a very hard task.  I work around 60 to 70 hours a week, I try to spend time Allyn and my parents, I have friends that I try to see when possible, I am trying to write a book, I do try to keep myself up every now and then, I try to cook and clean as much as possible around the house and sometimes it’s just a lot to deal with.  

 Running (the gym) is fun, it brings me happiness and allows me to clear my mind and it keeps me healthy. 

The book, to me has become a long-term project, that I need to find away to wrap. I honestly do not feel it is researched and written well enough but publisher wants it.  I am having a hard time putting my name on something that is not 100%.   I try to work on it after work or on the weekends but sometimes I am just drained and I have the feeling if I have to look or explain one more historical fact I am going to shot myself. 

I just want a well balance life; one that includes family and friends, simulating projects and fun projects.   I do not want to be considered a workaholic but I want to be considered the top in my field.  

I think the thing I have remember through it all is taking time for yourself is not a bad thing because in the end you are only going to have you.  

One of my favorite things about the holidays growing up was that my mom would make sugar cookies.  I loved to help my mom with the cookies, my favorite part was always decorating them … the different colored icings and sprinkles (can we say sugar rush).

This past weekend I had a bit of fun with C & A and made sugar cookies for them and then I let them decorate them – what better way to spend a Saturday night!!!

 

If there is one subject I am reserved about it about, it is same sex couples, marriage and families.  While I support same sex couples, marriage and families the topic is a sensitive one for me.  For I once was married to a gay man.  To this day I will always have respect and admiration for that man because I saw the pain he went through to just fit in society.  I hope that one day our society will be able to accept same sex couples, marriage and families for they are no different than the family, couples, or marriages consisting of a man and woman.

Being “different” is not easy.  While I am not lesbian, I have lived and loved a gay man and I can say without a doubt they are 100% human and they, like everyone else, just want to be loved and they want to have someone to love.

I almost lost a good friend because he was afraid to come out and be who he really is.  Today, it makes me happy to know he is now living the life he has always wanted.  I hope that one day he will be able to marry the love of his without issue.